“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I cannot stop laughing at this
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Our lord and savoury.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.