He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
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I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Saw online –
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”