“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
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Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.