He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

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me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?


Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.


Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.


This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.


I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.


I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.


I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons


Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.