@Try2StopME

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

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@TheHyyyype

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

@Gupton68

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

@TheBosha

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

@Darlainky

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

@sweetmomissa

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

@weinerdog4life

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

@_Tempo11

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.