He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
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Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*