@ninjadinosaur1

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

@GrantTanaka

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

@lifeattiffanys

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

@TheThomason

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

@NeinQuarterly

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

@estjaziah

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

@sumpeoplelikeit

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

@smilely_gal

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas