He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

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Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.


As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”


Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?


Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.


The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.


how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????


If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.


5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.


I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas