He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
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The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.