He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
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You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.