He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
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imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me too 😆