He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
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You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My dog ate my work from home.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago