He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
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[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine