He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
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I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
This came to me in a dream.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”