He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
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I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
this article brought to you by lions
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”