He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
#ProTip