He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
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My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.