He was looking for a job and then he found a job
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“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Selfie
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers