He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
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And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis