He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
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I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Very good! 👍😂
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.