He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
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Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I’m about to risk it all
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.