Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?