He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
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Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”