Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
giddy up Office Depot
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy