Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
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“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
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If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
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*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
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God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
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robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…