Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
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‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
She was REALLY feeling it.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT