Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Yes, this is exactly right
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?