Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.