Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
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Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
#SuperBowl
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen