Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
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The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
He took my last fry, your honor
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew