Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
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we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
this is uni
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
every. time.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior