Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
You Might Also Like
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
January has been Januweary
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Somebody call the cops.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
congratulations to them
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween