Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Oh yeh? Explain this then

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?