Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
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When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Whisper out to librarians!
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!