Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
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You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah