Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
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Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.