Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
fair
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer