Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.