Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
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I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?