health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
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A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
That time Alicia messaged me
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.