Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
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I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.