@topaz_kell

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

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@2tickytacky

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

@upsidedowntrash

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

@SirEviscerate

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

@GlumGeorgeLucas

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

@mrjohndarby

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

@Fred_Delicious

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

@causticbob

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

@SirEviscerate

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

@Darlainky

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.