Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
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Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
lol
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Tough love is true love
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!