Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
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Me driving through Toronto
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
why no one uses midhusbands
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.