Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
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gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Life is a suicide mission.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.