hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey
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If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Had blood work done on my two Labrador Retrievers and am waiting for the vet to call back with the results of my Labs’ Labs
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!