Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
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Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee