Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
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Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know