Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
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peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Mountain Goat : )
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.