Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
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*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl