Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
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“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal