Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
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While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t