Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

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Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.


we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot


My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.


Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked


It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.


Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.


[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin


*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!


Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”