@ShortSleeveSuit

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

You Might Also Like

@chuckyhead3

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

@EJGomez

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

@JohnLyonTweets

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

@schumoo

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

@NintenDom

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

@badbanana

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

@_elvishpresley_

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

@AimeeHelene1

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

@quinf0ster

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”