Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
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We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Ice skating is like walking in cursive