Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
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Camping tip: No.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
sliding into dms like
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet