Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
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The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!