@Marcmywords2

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

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@Samiam556

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

@SteveKoehler22

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

@thejamietighe

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

@sensual_dad

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

@GrantTanaka

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

@JimmerThatisAll

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

@ZackBornstein

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

@online_shawn

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.