@Marcmywords2
@Samiam556 Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
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@Samiam556 
@SteveKoehler22 Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
@thejamietighe *turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
@sensual_dad I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
@XplodingUnicorn My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
@GrantTanaka Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
@JimmerThatisAll Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
@Tw1tter_K1tten I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
@ZackBornstein Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
@online_shawn The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.