Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
You Might Also Like
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
When life hands you women, make women laid.
how to have fun when you’re poor