Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
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The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
LOL!
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me